Coping after miscarriage
One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. Miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy loss that occurs before week 20 of a pregnancy. Many women and their partners are affected with one in ten women experiencing a miscarriage in their lifetime. Although common, this does not take away from the often devastating impact that this can have on your emotional health.
Pregnancy loss can lead you to grieve for not only the pregnancy but also your sense of self and your hopes for the future as a mother or father of that child.
Although the baby may no longer be physically present, you may still feel a continued bond and attachment. Even if the pregnancy ended very early, the sense of bonding can still be strong.
The impact of miscarriage on women
Following miscarriage, you may experience a rollercoaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, confusion and difficulty concentrating. In addition, the process also often requires a mind shift, as you may already have started planning (consciously or unconsciously) your future life with your baby.
Letting go of these thoughts and ideals and allowing yourself to grieve can be hard. Many women are left feeling distressed and sad. Some report pangs of guilt as they reflect on whether they may have done something to contribute to the miscarriage. Some women even experience physical symptoms from their emotional distress. This can include fatigue, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite and frequent episodes of crying. The hormonal changes that occur after miscarriage may intensify these symptoms.
Many women and men can experience profound grief that following early pregnancy loss. However, the impact of early pregnancy loss through miscarriage is often underestimated.
I was devastated. Firstly, coming to terms with the fact that we had lost the baby was so incredibly sad. Then you have a whole change of mind shift, as you have visualised your life ahead with a new baby – and now it’s gone. Telling others and re-living the grief each time is also hard. With time the grief eases, but at the time I was so very sad.”
Further, the impact of this may be made worse by comments suggesting ‘it’s probably for the best – as something was wrong’ or ‘you can always try again’. This fails to acknowledge your feelings and the need to grieve for the loss of your baby. Pregnancy support counselling can be very helpful at this time. For some, there are other emotional consequences of pregnancy, such as depression and anxiety, which can last for several months.
The impact of miscarriage on men
Many fathers say their own sadness and grief can be dismissed following a miscarriage, as the focus is often on their partner. This can cause its own pain and compound feelings of isolation.
I tried not to think about it too much at the time. I just thought, well, we have to move forward and maybe try again. My focus was on my wife because it was all happening to her physically. I suppose it really hit me much later when we went on to have our first baby. I was so excited to have a healthy baby, but it also was at that point I realised just what we had lost.
Fathers often suppress their own grief while coping with miscarriage to help their partner get through the physical experience. Sometimes, this means they do not deal with the loss at all until they have another baby.
Some men may express their grief over a miscarriage as anger. It’s important to keep this in mind and be respectful and understanding that you may both deal with the situation in different ways. Try to see this as the natural early stages of the grieving process and an important part of recovery.
Coping with miscarriage
The time taken to come to terms with a miscarriage can vary greatly from one individual to another. So, it is important to acknowledge how you are feeling and when you and your partner may be ready to try to have another baby.
For some, there may be a sense of urgency to have another baby. If this is driven by your need to recover from feelings of grief or sadness, however, you may need to consider giving yourself some time to process your loss.
Having a baby to fill a void rarely takes away the pain. Rather, these feelings of loss may resurface at a later time. This can make it difficult to cope, as your need to grieve has simply been put ‘on hold’.
It’s common to feel a range of mixed emotions during a subsequent pregnancy. You may feel excited about the thought of becoming pregnant again. You may also feel some anxiety, which is completely normal. Balancing feelings of joy for a new baby with apprehension will gradually come with time. Talking with people you can trust about how you are feeling can also provide you with support and reassurance.
The joy of pregnancy is somewhat taken away when you’ve had a miscarriage – Tahyna MacManus
If, however, you find that you are feeling constantly on edge or worried that something is wrong or will go wrong, talk to your health professional about how the pregnancy is progressing. If these thoughts and feelings continue, and begin to feel like they are taking over, talk with a counsellor or health professional. This can help you take control over worrying thoughts and feelings you may be experiencing.
Find help for miscarriage
While miscarriage may be common, it can be extremely distressing. There are a range of professionals and services with expertise in providing support for coping with a miscarriage. You can find a service in your area by searching under the category of perinatal loss on the eCOPE directory.
